Yesterday I went for a walk from Seaford to Cuckmere Haven (I didn’t reach the haven). I have been suffering from the after effects of brain tumour treatment for a couple of years now and have become physically quite weak. I love walking in the countryside and decided quite recently to take this up again to improve my physical strength and my mental state.
At the same time, I have started to read ‘the Phenomenology of Illness’ by Havi Carel. She explains the difference between illness (the lived experience of chronic ill health for the individual) and disease (consisting of objective biomarkers, the scientific concern of doctors and physicians who don’t experience our illnesses but attempt to cure us or, at least, improve our quality of life). Illness is characterised by loss: of control; of the ability to carry out plans; of feelings of wholeness; and independence. All of these losses I have experienced as well as much frustration that I have not returned to my former healthy self as I expected.
The book informed my walk. I realised as I struggled up what seemed like a mountain that I had relied on my memories of former walking abilities and had looked for a walk in terms of miles rather than degree of difficulty. I resolved to do gentler walks and just turn back if I was tired. I lost my ability to carry out my intention to walk to the haven.
As I came back down the hill, I worried that I would fall. I had some trail sticks with me, (to my shame, I had rather derided people with these aides in the past, but I could not have done this walk without them), and as I walked back my legs started shaking, I cried out once or twice. I wondered if I could ask for help – and so lose my independence.
As I sat on a bench in Seaford, looking at the sea and eating an enormous ice-cream, I felt triumphant. I had walked perhaps a couple of miles, whereas, when I was younger, I could do 11-12 miles a day. But this walk was more important – I had felt uncertain and had worried about doing it before I left – would I be strong enough? As it turned out I wasn’t, but I enjoyed being by the sea and on the cliff.
As to the book, I like it. I recommend it – even if you are not ill, you may be one day. It may help you deal with doctors and communicate better across the knowledge divide of disease and illness.
Walking whilst ill 