I have been thinking some more about boredom and the road to greater creativity. I am an admirer of Simone Weil. I think she is an important writer – but I don’t think I understand half of what she says, but I battle on with her. She made a comment about losing our imaginations as an important step towards God. I quite like being imaginative and I am proud of my creativity as an important part of my identity so I was disturbed by the thought.
But whilst I meditate, my mind fills with plans for the coming day, (mostly about what I am going to eat), and ambitions for the future – and I find the meditation a burden, I am bored and impatient to get on with more exciting things – I can see what she means. Others preach about living in the present – but then how do you think of the future?
Today, I went to the Lea Valley park which is a short bus ride away. It has a canal and lots of ramshackle barges, inhabited by alternative sorts. I noticed the ripening blackberries and the flowering borage or (comfrey?) and the buddleia. It is not as beautiful as Kew but it is local to me and there is plenty to see if I bother to look.
I took my paints and did an atrocious – and boring – drawing of boats. I didn’t mind that it was bad as I enjoyed doing it – may be I could treat this as a form of meditation or would it be too interesting? I do think I want to improve (is this a way of thinking about the future?) People rushed past, completing their exercises, running or on bikes, a few greeted me but most were intent on the achievement of their physical task – perhaps imagining their future selves as healthier, more beautiful and successful as I once did in my exercise phase.
I will go again to do some more dull drawings and paintings – I am attempting to ‘fail fast’. It is local and therefore to be treasured. Alongside it runs a large duel carriageway with cars rushing along, carrying people towards consumption and achievement. It also creates a barrier to entry to the park. I could hear the swish of traffic as I walked. We seem to squeeze so little beauty into our lives, such as this narrow strip of river with its wildlife areas amidst the high rises, industrial estates and roads. It is beloved of the walkers, bird watchers, rowers, bike riders, runners, bargees and sketchers – in short you and me.
How do we temper our wish for self improvement? Should we? Is self improvement the dog whistle of capitalism?
Walking whilst ill 