Flourishing

I struggled initially when I left work and for a time took anti-depressants. They helped me to look up and start my painting journey instead of lying in bed weeping. I take them no longer. I still weep but I have accepted that as part of my life now.

Painting has been a joy. I have started to take classes and I am attempting to use up paints – honestly I could open my own art shop with the materials I have accumulated over the years which makes me slightly ashamed. Of course, the art lessons encourage my art materials purchases – but at least I am using them now instead of putting them aside for when I have more time.

I have been reading a book by Lauren Berlant, called ‘Cruel Optimism’. She points out that our fantasies of meritocracy, a career that only goes upwards, a stable family, a state that cares for us are crumbling – what do we do when faced the impasse of a precarious future? My life feels a bit more precarious now with an insufficient pension and no regular income. I did think of turning my hobby into a small business as so many have done before me.

Some time ago I did a screen printing course on fabric. I noticed that my class mates – mostly middle aged women – all wanted to leave their jobs and set up a small business, selling cushions, bags or tee -shirts. Instead of experimenting with design they were calculating how much time their (fairly dull) designs would take to produce, so that they could be small batch producers. (I have recently signed up to a tee-shirt printing course so maybe I have some residual fantasies of a small business). At the time of the first course, I was exasperated by my classmates attitudes but have had similar thoughts myself now in the face of precarity.

Berlant argues that capitalism deadens our creativity by insisting on profit above all. How do we flourish creatively in a capitalist society? I notice how difficult it is to make money by being creative. Many famous artists have the backing of wealthy families to enable their art work, e.g. Lucien Freud. You only have to follow the complaints of musicians about Spotify and the strikes by writers and actors in Hollywood to understand how risky it is to decide to live a creative life – particularly if you are not from a wealthy background.

So I have tried to banish any thoughts of selling my work – I am surprised at how difficult this is – and focus on the paintings themselves and what I learn from doing them. After all, I am trying to get to the end of my meagre talent before I die – I am interested in seeing where I get to and truly flourish in precarity.